Once Again

Once again she has departed and I find myself alone and left to my own devices. Once again the beast inside me rears its ugly head beckoning me to enter into its dark chambers. Once again all that was laid to rest begins to surface and once again I find myself battling the temptations of sin. I pray for the stillness of my soul but the heaviness bears down on me and she is not near to help lift it.

She has always been my saving grace as well as my rock. It has been in her presence that I find my strength even though she is unaware of my darkness. It is her quiet and still manner that keeps the beast at bay and calms my sometimes restless spirit. She gives me peace of mind and my heart bathes in the joy which fills me with content for a while. She embodies all that is wonderfully beautiful in my eyes for her soul is one of innocence and virginity. She has not been contaminated with the vileness in life that I have experienced. Her heart knows not of corruptibility and she has been spared the pain and deceit of this world by a protective mother. Her upbringing, a stark contrast to mine has molded and prepared her for me. My lifes experiences beg a desperate need of her. For without her my life might have been doomed and incarcerated in dark perpetuity.

Once again in her absence it is the minutes, the hours, and the days that need filling for it is in my idleness that the beast thrives and gains strength. Once again indiscretion and futility strive to overpower me and dominate my actions. Once again I have danced with the notion of indulgence and I have entertained those would be regretful actions. Once again my mind and will were close to the doorstep of shameful exuberance.

Once again divinity intercedes and better judgment doth prevail. Once again it has been my time to show inner strength and mental fortitude. Once again it is upon me to rise to the challenge and confront the beast for once again I am reminded of just how flawed a human I am. Once again I have the opportunity in her absence to be the man that she needs me to be and the man I need to be for me. Once again I will gain more in depth insight into my inner being and become a better person from the experience.

Once again I have grown from the process and learned to appreciate her gentleness, her compassionate heart, her unyielding and uncompromising devotion, and her unconditional love for me. Once again she will return and life will resume with some sense of normalcy but who’s to say that this isn’t the designed normality for my life.

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