I have often spoken of change in my posts because I believe it is an integral process that leads to growth of oneself both inward and outward. Often times in life we  find ourselves confronted with circumstances of adversity. We tend to lack the fundamental tools that are needed to cope with these moments and we are reluctant to challenge ourselves to press on and press through. We throw up our hands to surrender rather than to conquer which is why we always find ourselves at the same place no matter how much we may lament for change.

For one to be the change that one seeks is a daunting undertaking. There are so many dynamics that come into play which make for a very complex and challenging transition. Change is not a process  that occurs just from the mere wanting of it. We have to understand that there are many unforseen complications and variables that arise out of attempting to change..

So, with that said one must ask oneself how badly does one need that change to take place. Just like anything in life that is worth having, it comes at a price.  Which brings me to my next question; How much is the change worth to you and how much are you willing to pay, ie;( sacrifice)? You see, most of us have no conception of how demanding change can be and  are ill prepared to meet those demands. But if one can tolerate the adversity and meet the challenge head on, one will benefit immensely from the process as well as the results…..

I’m going to share with you a bit about myself and what I had experienced some 40 plus years ago.  Lost and confused I went into a very dark and lonely place where I dwelled for quite a few years not knowing where I was going in life, I did however have one thing that I would cling to and that was a strong desire to live my life differently. I realize and understand that we all have different experiences in life and disappointments, I get it. But the one constant here is that dismal is dismal and if that is hovering over us, we most definitely  want it to change..

I had spent the majority of my teenage years and early 20’s as a somewhat defiant and non conforming individual. I rejected all manner of authority and basically felt like an outcast which eventually led me  down the wrong path and to reform school. Which by the way  is where I had asked my probation officer to send me. I was being abused by my dad, pushed around and poked fun at constantly by others so I figured that this would definitely get me away from it all and garner me some street cred. Well it did do that and a lot more. I was eleven years old at the time and fed up with this world and all that was in it. So without going into a lot of details, needless to say this was the one mistake in judgement that was the genus for what would follow. By deciding to go this route I had set in motion an unguided and reckless force and embarked on a journey of self-inflicted pain and self-destruction.

I would, like most rebellious kids at that time  venture into a world of sex, booze, marijuana, pills and eventually heroin which became the most debilitating and destructive force in my life. I had become snared by the powerful unrelenting grip of intravenous heroin use and I couldn’t see any clear way out.. Everyday that I lived, I lived for the warm feeling of this drug entering into my veins and taking me on a euphoric trip that would ease all of the pain that I felt in life. These moments only lasted for a short while and I would revisit the misery and pain of a drug addicted and disappointed life. I would struggle with my addiction on and off for years before and after military service and alienating myself from everyone .. I would attempt to project some semblance of a normal life but I struggled day in and day out with my addiction to the point where I was contemplating suicide. My life couldn’t get any lower and I couldn’t continue any farther like this!

Suddenly,  I was confronted with a very harsh reality. I could remain a slave to this powerful binding drug, commit suicide or I could free myself from this heroin addiction and live. I made a choice to live because I had lacked the courage or will to do the other.  I may have also thought that suicide was an easy way out which could also be viewed as cowardly. So I decided that I would go and apply for outpatient treatment but the powers that be decided that methadone would not be given to me. Reluctantly, I decided to enter into an in-house treatment program to begin my journey towards self discovery and a promise of a better life untainted by drug use.. It’s amazing how the initial action causes the unfolding of other actions and reactions.

I was not prepared for the amount of emotional and mental work required of me to make this transition. I ended up leaving a couple of times after making substantial progress only to relapsed and return to begin the process all over again. This type of behavior definitely sounded familiar. It was another pattern that I had developed somewhere along the way in my life. It may have been with my first decision to go away to reform school and not face the issues that I was confronted with in life. How does one know or develop the tools needed if there is no-one to teach or guide them? These are the essentials to life that I would come to be extremely familiar with through countless interactive group sessions and one on one therapy.  But first I needed to commit myself to the process which brings me to that moment in my life when my mother had come to visit me at the program. She had uttered something to me that would change my life from that moment on. Quite simply she said to me, Alton you want change but you only want it on the outside. In order for you to change you have to want it on the inside. BOOM! There it was as simple as one, two,three. Is that all there was to it? Just to want it on the inside? You mean to tell me that I have been fronting it all along, you know acting as though I wanted it but not really wanting it? Was I just kinda going through the motions?

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No, that wasn’t the case at all. I merely needed to go through what I went through in order for me to realize that real change has to take place within and until I was really sincere and ready for it, it would not happen. That is when the real work begins, because now I had to remain diligent and determined to make it no matter what. The demons never really go anywhere, they just wait in the shadows for you to slip up.I have had people tell me that I had squared up or that I would always be a junkie. Once a junkie, always a junkie. My own mother had even said to me once when I was clean and living a productive life that if someone had told her that I would turn out to be the person that I have become today, she would have told them that they were full of shit. Yeah folks, that is just how bad I was. Well, it has been well over 35 years and I have never stuck another needle of heroin in my veins.

Yes, so what am I saying? It’s plain and simple;  We have to decide whether or not we really want it in order to change and at the same time are we willing to separate ourselves from those forces that lead us to unproductive lives and influence our ability to make the transition. I made a choice early on that put me in a bad place with some people who engaged in some not so healthy activities and as a result set into motion life altering patterns. It is profoundly amazing that I am still on the planet and I believe that I have been given considerable favor by my creators. So check it out; if you are still on the planet and if you don’t like where you are today nor what you see in the mirror, then change it. Make that commitment to turn your life around and embrace the challenge. It will make you a much stronger person. Nothing ventured, nothing gained..  For every action there is a reaction. Good or Bad!

So once again I reiterate; Be the change that you seek.

Thank you Mom, Love you.

Written by; Alton T. DeVeaux Jr (Africafifth)

A BETTER YOU, A BETTER US, A BETTER WORLD